Good Communication: How to talk to each other

(Part 2)

Ever tried to explain something to your partner, only to feel like you're talking to a brick wall? It happens more than we might like to admit, and the truth is, good communication is less about talking and more about listening. We often assume that we just know how to talk to each other. But are we being effective? Are we clear, respectful and kind? Are we listening, as much as we are talking?

The first and most important factor in good communication isn't talking, it's active listening. Too often, when our partner speaks, we are only half listening, because we are already busy formulating our response. Our attention is divided, our minds scripting the come back. Active listening means giving your partner your complete focus when they're speaking.

Put down your devices. Step away from distractions. Make eye contact. Focus on understanding. Reflect back what you've heard, and check you've understood, before you jump into the response. This helps soften defensive reactions and reassures your partner that you're really hearing their views or concerns.

Change your language, use "I" statements rather than "you". Instead of saying "You never put the dishes in the dishwasher", try "I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is a mess". Avoid"You always/you never" as this can sound like you're making a personal attack, triggering defensiveness and derailing the conversation.

Where possible, pick your moment. Address issues when you're both calm. Trying to have important conversations when emotions are running high often leads to escalation, and before you know it you're in the middle of a row. Take time to cool down first, then approach the topic when you have a clear head and you are both calm.

Be specific. Vague statements like "You don't care about me" are unhelpful, and hard to address. Instead, be direct, clearly state the issue and say what you need "I feel let down that you don't ask about my day when you get home, it would mean a lot if you showed an interest in how my day's gone".

Consider a regular check in. Don't wait for problems to build up and ill feelings to fester. Schedule time to talk about how you're both feeling about the relationship - what's working well, what needs attention. Maybe try a weekly coffee date, or simply agree that one evening a week, after you eat, you sit at the table and check in.

Finally, become familiar and accepting of each other's communication style. Some people need processing time before discussing an issue. Others feel a strong need to talk things through immediately. Understanding your differences can help you approach important conversations in a way that works for both of you.

When you listen fully, speak kindly, and work with - not against - each other's style, you stop talking at each other and start building connection. That's how conversations keep love alive.